Last week my cable box suddenly shut off and the LED did its funky little dance. Only this time it wasn’t the usual spin. Digits were rollin’ and dashes were poppin’. Little did I know that life as I knew it had changed.
The box took longer than usual to reset. Then, when I turned on the TV, the guide had all new colors, with an odd display. Apparently, Time Warner came up with this digital manipulation, so that when someone calls your home phone, you don’t have to get off your fat ass or, God forbid, lean over to look at the ID to see who’s callin’. It just pops up on your TV.
I mean, really now: Did we need this?
What if I was doin’ the piston bob and didn’t want the Dude I was with to see who was callin’ me? Do I really need my TV to rat me out?
The good news is that I didn’t bundle, so I don’t have this feature — just the new colors and guide to support it, if ever I should somehow be confined to my couch for any considerable length of time.
Remember the good old days, when cell phones were bigger than a cinder block? Try using a waist clip for those and you’d turn into Quasimoto. There was no 3-way calling. No caller ID or call waiting.
Those were the days when you could cheat. Nobody knew where you were calling from, or even who was calling unless they picked up the phone. If you wanted to, you could let it ring. And no one was the wiser.
Awhile ago I read about this woman who filed for divorce after he told her he was going on a business trip and she dialed up Google Earth — where she saw his SUV parked outside her best friend’s house! OOFAH!
Now someone can virtually follow me around like I’m under surveillance, or pop onto my bedroom TV and interrupt whatever I’m doing to announce that they’re calling.
But I’ll show them: Next time you borrow a copy of a duped DVD from your friend and things start getting really hot — y’know when the clothes are flyin’ off — don’t be shocked if you suddenly see MY name and number flashed across someone’s ass.
Reviewers have raved about Maryann’s music & standup. She’s opened for Joy Behar and Ray Romano, and has played The Laugh Factory, Broadway Comedy Club and Dangerfield’s. She has a CD out and will be featured on Danny Aiello’s upcoming album, “City of Light.” Judging from the looks of the packed houses, she’ll also be staging plenty more performances with the ITALIAN CHICKS, whose show has been called “part meatball, part cannoli.” For more on Maryann, the group, where they’re performing & how to get tickets, click here: ITALIAN CHICKS . Tell ’em CLIFFVIEWPILOT sent you.
Click here to sign up for Daily Voice's free daily emails and news alerts.